Finally, we got to see the Grand children again. It has been a couple of months since we saw them and Sandra (My wife) and I were feeling like bad grand parents because we hadn’t arranged to see them. We have both been busy and trying to make time for everyone, but, they were not the highest on the list!
My Mum is not well, and has weeks to live, so she is no.1 on the list at the moment and we have prioritised some of our free time to maximise any opportunities to see her, without being too obvious and overloading her.
It takes effort to keep in touch with everyone, and sometimes I get it wrong, but hopefully don’t upset anyone, after all, communication is two way. If anyone moans about me not calling them I always suggest that they have the ability to pick up the phone as well and I will definitely respond as soon as I get some space.
With My Mum, 2 sisters, 4 children, 3 grand children, my wife and an ex-wife, it takes effort and diplomacy to make things run smoothly. Needless to say, I don’t always get it right, in fact, very rarely get it right! There is always someone that feels they need more support, guidance, attention or general communication and that is tough to get perfect every day, week, month or year!
The good thing is, I have great relationships with all of those listed above (Even my ex-wife, regarding our daughter!) and if things are not in a good place for any of us, we can call it out without fear of anyone taking it personally. Yes, we argue, shout and disagree, but we always sort things out. We don’t hold grudges and we always make up, eventually.
As a foster carer, I know that this is not the case for everyone. We have had children that don’t speak to their parents and never want to see them again. Their experience of family has not been positive and it haunts them and can impact their future relationships, if they do not deal with their past.
I have learnt so much about emotional control, patience, dealing with difficult conversations and building positive relationships because of my children and our foster kids. Some of it has gone against my natural style and has challenged my DNA, values and morales and has rocked me to the core – I’ve had to adapt.
Every relationship requires a slightly different approach and style. Some are forthright and direct, some are forgiving and supportive and others are a mixture of everything. I just know that nothing is simple forever. If you are sitting reading this thinking “My life is great, my family are great and my kids are perfect” wait a minute and it may shift a bit to the right, at some point, so be prepared.
I spoke to a friend last night and she shared her experience of the last 3 years of her relationship with her son. He is in to his drugs and has had some real issues that have challenged the solidarity of the family unit. It’s been hard for them all but tough love and determination, saying no and taking control have helped, but it’s been really emotional and divisive at times. It tests the strongest of relationships.
We all go through tough times, but, fortunately, we have great times too. Enjoy the good times, ask for help in tough times and support others when they reach out.
You never know what’s going on in other peoples’ life – we all have a story to tell, so tread carefully and stay impartial, support, give and guide. Hopefully, one day someone will do the same for you.